in a foul mood, an ugly mood, a sadness not blue but black. hating everything, most of all myself. my stomach hurts, White Kitty’s back legs grow weaker, the dust buffalos cozy up to my unopened textbooks. having disaster dreams where everything crumbles to dust around me. worried White Kitty won’t be here a year from now. afraid that i’ll never study properly for my exam, that it’s already too late.

feeling completely inadequate, like everyone i see is healthier, eating better, more accomplished. my body is falling apart; my cooking uninspired; my photographs muddy; not calm enough to knit; not brave enough to study. (why does it sound ridiculous when enumerated?) i can’t make things when i am this dark.

things that make me happier: putting something in my belly, a long shower, sweet milk tea, filling the sugar jar, emptying the sink of dirty dishes, cute kitty pictures, kissing my fuzzies, a good book, loud music, npr, a long walk. reminding myself that Mom is out of reach, that there is nothing else i can do for her.

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